More than a mother, I am a step-mother.
I say that in part because I refuse to think of step-motherhood as secondary to motherhood; as a sub-category of motherhood; or, as something rusty that you may find under the gleaming mother-hood of the family sedan. Being a step-mother doesn't make me a mother, because that would imply the absence of a birth-mother, which isn't the case. As beautiful as it would be if the child could have two moms, biology just doesn't work like that. Fertility isn't fickle.
Another reason I feel more like a step-mother than a mother-mother is that I've been a step-mom for 2 years now, but I've only been feeling like a mom-mom, and barely one at that, for 14 weeks and counting. As a result, I have way more of a relationship with my step-daughter, who is a real character, than I have with my unborn child. They say babies don't develop their personalities until around week 20.
Being a step-mom has been one of the greatest gifts that the universe has bestowed upon me. I didn't choose it, and I don't know that I would have, given a choice; but boy oh boy am I ever grateful that it set its sights on me. I couldn't help that I fell for a man who was already a father; actually, his father-ness had a lot to do with why I found him so irresistable. Once he asked me why I was open to loving him, even though he had a child and, at that time, had a complicated relationship with his ex. I answered that a) I didn't have a choice in the matter - and I should have left it at that, but I added that b) at least this way, his committments - I even used the word baggage - were evident right off the bat. Usually, I said, you don't find out the nature of a person's baggage until after you've taken off, because they've managed to stow it away where you least suspect it...
If I could go back to that conversation, I would say, "Because I am going to love your daughter, not like she is my own, but like she is something completely different but equally critical to who I am to become. Because we're going to have an awesome relationship, and she is going to become my friend, my helper, my teacher, my focus, and my reminder to be open-hearted and free-spirited. Because someday, we are going to need eachother."
Instead, I called her baggage. How's that for an evil stepmother?
But oh, how far I've come. I've grown into the shoes I fell into, when I met my husband; the shoes that were once way too big are now a perfect fit, so I've laced them up tightly and tied them on with a quadruple knot. Of course, sometimes those shoes are going to get muddy, and the laces are going to fray, and I'll stumble and adjust. But I'm committed to the process and I'm not afraid.
Next Sunday, happy Step-Mother's Day, step-moms. If you know a step-mom, if you have a step-mom, try and recognize her in your own way. She's probably not expecting anything, so anything will do. One kind word. Half of all women in the US will become step-mother figures at some point in their lives. Time to stop ignoring the important role they, generally, try really hard to play.
Some step-mothers are hurt that, as if it were a poignant metaphor for their lives, Step-Mother's Day comes exactly one week after Mother's Day. But I really don't care; I've been put first so many times by all the people who support me in my step-mother role, that I can't help but think of it as being 51 weeks sooner.
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