Some, like Kyna here, are born a bitch. For others, it is a coping mechanism that they learn to acquire along the way. If it serves them well, then they work diligently to cultivate the skills required to continue to be labelled a bitch. Once you're "A Bitch", you can get away with anything because people have come to expect the worst from you. When you are decent, you are "in a super good mood". Kyna has it down to a science: nice, nice, nice, bitch. She can switch it on in a flash if anybody crosses her, her loved ones, or her dish. She's only bitchy when it's called for, and those who matter to her love and respect her for it.
I haven't decided where I'd like to sit on the bitch spectrum, but I can say that my inner bitch tide is changing. So far, pregnancy has been a really transformative experience. I'm way more like Kyna than I was before. Smiling, with a bit of foam around the mouth.
Last summer, I was hit by a car, kind of. He made a right turn in his little Beatle, the kind with the daisy on the dash, and hit me off my bike; I landed on my feet with no more than a cut on my knuckle. He stopped mid-intersection. I ignored him, pretending to check my bike for damage, while deciding whether to play this incident up or tone it down. I decided I wanted to play it up, because I was really angry, seething mad, and I wanted him to feel guilty and repentive about it for at least the rest of the day.
"You should really check your blindspot, you know," I said.
"I did."
"Oh."
That's pretty much it.
On the way home, I thought about all the things I should have said, about how a car is a weapon and who the hell does he think he is and he'll have to pay for a new bike and my hand might need surgery....
But in truth, that just isn't who I am. I'm way too non-confrontational to get anything out of anyone in that kind of situation but sympathy.
Or should I say, was.
Yesterday, I was walking Kyna down the sidewalk of a busy street. An SUV had pulled onto the sidewalk in front of me, having gassed up at the ESSO, and was trying to make a right turn to merge with the oncoming traffic. I didn't feel like walking behind it, as I was with Kyna, and I reasoned that the exhaust would go right in her face. I couldn't walk in front of it, because the fast oncoming traffic had the SUV driver's full attention - she hadn't even seen me. I could fix that.
I pounded on the hood of her car with a flat hand, so my ring clanged loudly. She ignored me, and had the nerve to creep up further, but this made her passenger window come directly in line with my face. I knocked on the glass with my fist but still, stoically, she ignored me. She glanced in my direction, took me in, but made no eye contact or any indication that she was the least bit embarassed by her selfish, pushy, me-first driving.
Luckily, just then, there was a break in traffic and off she went. I had nothing to do but gesture, which only the car behind her saw. (I did notice, that car remained about 6 metres back until I had finished my show and gone on my way.) But what WOULD I have done? I felt perfectly calm, not angry or impulsive, just completely bent on having this woman understand that pedestrians own the sidewalks, and that Might does not equal Right; that her apparent relative wealth does not increase her worth; that her class does not make her a classy lady; that just because I'm trudging off to Canadian Tire to exchange a 40$ blender that broke after the third use, it doesn't mean I wish I was in her shoes.
I think I over-reacted. On a lot of days, I would have waited, smiled, taken a detour, been patient and compassionate. I've done rude things while driving, too. I'm not always on top of my game. I realize that my own negativity will simply attract more of the same, but sometimes, it's good to shake yourself up a bit, rattle the cage, and be a complete bitch. I'm bitching for two, now.
Bitchin' Banana Bread
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup unrefined sugar
1/2 cup "margarine"
3 very ripe bananas, mashed (frozen then thawed)
2 cups flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 cup vanilla soy milk, mixed with
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
1 tsp vanilla
2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp salt
1. Mix dry ingredients in a large bowl.
2. Cream together margarine (I use Earth Balance or any whey-free cheaper margarine) and sugars. Add bananas, vanilla, and soy/cider blend.
3. Add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients. Mix well.
4. Pour batter into an oiled 8 X 4 loaf pan.
5. Bake at 350 for 1 - 1 1/4 hours.
I like to believe in a world where women are not only permitted but encouraged to have a full range of emotions. Our inner "bitch" is only perceived in a derogatory way because we haven't been culturally empowered to lovingly explore our fire natures with embrace.
ReplyDeleteNorth America needs polarity a good girl or a bitch, a virgin or a whore. Most of us sit somewhere in between and can flip to either end of the continuum at any moment. It should all be explored and accepted.
The concept of "bitch" is just another label, an attempt to categorize the female experience and to invalidate our emotions and experiences. Righteous anger and the strength to rise up, should never be confused with caricature. Big ups for writing on this topic, it's super important and very rarely discussed!
Right on, I think you've hit the nail on the head. There could be a series on this topic.
ReplyDeleteJust to add, I think that bitchiness is not just about women - men should be allowed to be bitchy too, without being labelled sexist, anti-feminist, arrogant, power-hungry, or any of the other typically masculine traits.
Although rising up can be perceived as a feminist issue, I think that it is just as oppressive to assume that a bitchy woman is an empowered woman as it is to insist that a mild, humble woman is a weak, submissive one. Similarly, out-spoken men who stand up for themselves often get stuck with nasty labels, which to me is just the other side of the same sexist coin, and every bit as limiting to all.
I've seen a lot of rising up get good and done from behind the scenes, with nobody even knowing who's responsible for it. That, to me, is strength!!!
Virtual high five!
ReplyDeleteVery well written ladies. My initial focus went to the little darling inside your belly. You are firstly allowed to have a spectrum of emotions but the "out of character bitchiness" - oxymoronic- could be attributed to a need to protect the fetus. I remember banging on cars, throwing a tennis ball at a dog walker and getting into a heated argument with a double stroller user who pushed me into traffic and laughed.
ReplyDeleteAhhh, the infamous double stroller bully story. I am with you sister! I agree that the increased aggression of mine may be hormonal and protectionist, aka instinctual, but I'm also aware that I might just be using that as a cover to finally react loudly to some random-person tendencies that have been grating on my nerves for years.
ReplyDeleteAgreed. I love that I am not only your sister in solidarity but literally. I love the latter a lot.
ReplyDelete